


Flooded Misery

by rndmnwierd



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Depression, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, This is purely a vent piece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 14:53:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15974627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rndmnwierd/pseuds/rndmnwierd
Summary: Lapis is sad. Peridot is there.





	Flooded Misery

She’d felt it all week, these little twinges of sadness that she’d been without for so long already, but on the fourth day, it rained. She was thinking about how much the roads were going to flood, how they were already flooding, when it hit her so hard she gasped. Pain, blooming in her chest as though she’d been physically struck. Tears pricked her eyes and she fought them ferociously, knowing it would be dangerous to drive while her eyes were blurry.

Why now? Why? She’d been without an episode like this for nine months, she’d been doing so good this year! She wanted to be angry, but she just felt indescribably sad. It was like all her energy had been sapped until there was nothing left except the muscle memory of being behind the wheel and the pain in her chest.

She thought of the things she had to do when she got home; laundry, dinner, take care of the dog. It was enough to nearly send her into tears again. She focused on her windshield wipers, watching them go back and forth while she mechanically slowed down for a red light. Find calm in the rain and in the low murmur of the radio playing some song she’d never heard before. She needed to keep a hold of herself until she could reach home.

She imagined herself standing in the rain, letting it soak and chill her, letting her lips turn blue until the pain of the cold outshone the pain in her chest. Ah, there was the bad association again, drowning out her mental pain with physical pain. She’d promised Peridot she’d stopped with that and the thought of disappointing her girlfriend was a powerful deterrent. 

She turned her focus on the light in front of her, watching placidly as it turned green and she accelerated through it. They were doing construction near her house and she had to detour through a neighborhood to make it and that was just another five minutes she had to hold onto her emotions.

It hurt, all she could think about was the pain, getting home to let it out, how much she was disappointed in herself for falling back into this cycle of depression like she always did.

The driveway had a river of water forming and flowing down when she pulled in, parking next to her girlfriend’s green sedan. She mechanically put her phone away, her keys, then grabbed her purse, sliding out onto the wet grass and feeling the light splatter of rain along her head and shoulders.

“Hey.” She heard a familiar and welcome voice call out, lifting her head from staring at her feet to see Peridot’s bright smile, “Welcome home. I gotta go run Amethyst to work real quick.”

She nodded, acknowledging her girlfriend’s words, coming through the back gate to enter through the kitchen. Behind Peridot, Amethyst greeted her with a nod that she returned. 

Peridot noticed a problem right away; she never knew how the younger woman was always so in tune with her emotions, but she was. Peridot handed her keys to Amethyst and followed her into the house, waiting until they were in the dining room to hug her from behind.

“Hey, why don’t you go lay down? I’ll be back in thirty.” 

She nodded, feeling tears pricking her eyes again. Gosh, Peridot always knew just what she needed. She felt lips against her cheek, then a gentle shove towards their bedroom and Peridot was gone, back out through the kitchen.

She let out a shaky breath, kicked her shoes off underneath their dresser, grabbed a box of tissues and fell into bed with a sob.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

She wasn’t aware she’d fallen asleep until gentle hands were shaking her awake. “Hey. I’m back and I brought you donuts.”

If her face didn’t feel so gross from her crying, she might have laughed. Empty calories and high sugar, her favorite kind of depression meal.

Sniffling, she shifted to allow Peridot into their bed, feeling the younger woman curl up around her while she grabbed a chocolate cake glazed. 

For a while they just sat there in silence, content in each other’s presence. Then, guilt started to bubble up inside her belly until she found that she couldn’t take another bite. Peridot always took care of her when she was like this, it wasn’t fair to put so much strain on the younger woman, it wasn’t right. Peridot always had to put up with her at her worst.

“I’m sorry,” She said, setting the half eaten donut back in the box.

“For what?” Peridot asked in confusion and she felt her shift, knowing Peridot was looking at her.

She avoided her girlfriend’s gaze, “For being like this.”

“Lapis,” Peridot wrapped an arm tight around her shoulders, “It’s not your fault.”

“My reactions to it are. My health and wellbeing are no one’s responsibility except my own, I shouldn’t do this to you every time I have a bad day,” She worried that it was too much, that she was too much. Eventually, she’d be sad one too many times, lean on Peridot and find herself being left in her girlfriend’s dust. She was a burden, a whiner, she needed to be stronger than this. She needed to be self sufficient, she needed to just get over herself already.

Peridot sighed and kissed her on the temple, “Lapis, while it is true that a person can only ever be responsible for themselves, that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to comfort you when you’re sad or upset. We’re partners, whatever burdens you carry on your heart or in your head, I’m here to take half your worries away. And I don’t do it because it’s expected or because I’m obligated, I do it because I love you.”

Lapis’s tears were back, still sad, but also touched. Her compassionate Peridot, what a beautiful soul. Lapis would never in a million years be worthy of having Peridot’s heart, but she did and she cherished it more than anything. Lapis leaned against Peridot and sobbed into her shoulder, murmuring nonsense words and affections and feeling just that much less alone in this world with warm arms pulling her in tight.


End file.
